4 Strategies to Create Greater Harmony in Your Relationships
By McKenzie Cerri
As inherently social creatures, we find ourselves in relationships with others nearly every moment of the day, whether collaborating with colleagues, supporting students at school, or interacting with the local shopkeeper.
Although we may strive to maintain harmonious relationships, sometimes our interactions can trigger emotions and past experiences, making effective communication and connection challenging. For me, maintaining ‘clean’ relationships is a priority, but not always an easy one. Clean means connections that are not mired in the past but instead, continually evolving and responding to the present moment. Unsurprisingly, cultivating these connections with others is one of my core values. Recently, I've been reflecting on my strategies. Here are four approaches I know and love:
1. Recognise When You're Responding to the Past
Often, our reactions to current situations are influenced by past experiences or ‘Samskaras’ as described by Michael Singer in his book Living Untethered. Samskaras are blockages, or impressions from our past, that energetically end up running our lives. When unresolved, they can be triggered by certain situations and, like an allergic reaction, we can respond in ways that feel disproportionate to the current context .For example, I had cancer as a child and find certain situations trigger fear of being unsafe, even when there is no threat in sight. For me, the first step is to recognise that I’m responding to the past, rather than the present reality.
2. Identify Your ‘Gremlins’
We all have different parts of ourselves that can take over in challenging situations. As identified by Shirzad Chamine in his book Positive Intelligence, these might include the "avoider" who gets scared and uncomfortable when faced with discomfort, the "hypervigilant" who worries about worst-case scenarios, or the "victim" who consistently feels wronged. By identifying our Gremlin and how it manifests, we can begin to recognise when it’s driving our responses. As I've grown older, I've noticed my Gremlin has become increasingly vocal about my health – like a hypervigilant watchdog. My responsibility is to acknowledge that it's trying to protect me while also attentively listening to the softer voice of my Champion, seeking its wisdom and guidance. This dynamic can manifest in all areas of my life, even in relationships with others.
3. Use Nonviolent Communication
Have you heard of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) created by Marshall Rosenberg? It’s based on the idea that violence is a learned behaviour and that all human beings have the capacity for compassion and empathy. NVC involves four steps: stating observations, feelings, needs, and then requests, in that order. When emotions are heightened, this structure of communicating can be a valuable tool. By sticking to the facts and expressing our feelings and needs without blame, we can communicate more effectively and with less conflict. When I use this approach, I'm reminded that if I'm upset, it's often because one of my values has been 'stepped on,' and therefore a need is not being fulfilled. Whether it is a need to feel safe or a need to feel seen, using NVC’s structure empowers me to ask for exactly what I need with clarity and objectivity.
4. Try ‘Rage JOurnalling’
The name says it all, doesn’t it? So if this one resonates for you, grab a piece of paper and start writing. This technique allows you to release negative emotions in a safe and constructive manner. Rage journalling involves expressing yourself on paper in the most angry, aggressive way possible, without holding back. It encourages exaggerating the situation and even using profanities to release emotions and come back to centre. Often, what we need is a different perspective, and seemingly counterintuitive, rage journalling provides that. I use this tool when I feel stuck in a perspective and then when I am done, I follow it with writing that brings a calmer and more realistic outlook. Imagine the Gremlin's writing amplified 100 times, followed by the Champion's balanced view.
Navigating challenging conversations is an ongoing process that requires patience and self-compassion as we learn and grow. It's vital to discover strategies that work best for you and to remember that these strategies may need to be updated over time.
I hope you find what works for you; I’ve love to hear from you! Reach out anytime.